Disclaimer: This article is a part of The Lewd, an annual satirical project put together by The Lode staff, typically published around finals week. The article is purely for comedic purposes, and the opinions presented in these articles do not reflect The Lode’s values.
After mayoral elections were held last weekend within Houghton High School, the general consensus was that Richard Nixon, president of the world, would earn a sweeping victory. However, the one person who joined the race last minute, Derek Bradway of the Bull Moose Party, won the election! The results were not as close as we thought. Bradway came in first place with84% of all votes, with Richard Nixon coming in at second place with 16%. As of right now, it is unconfirmed if Bradway rigged the votes in some way, but for now he is here to stay.
To congratulate the new mayor, we set up an interview with Derek Bradway himself. He talked about his immediate goals for the whole town, as well as future plans. “Thank you for this amazing opportunity, I will spend no time dilly-dallying and make Houghton a better place for all. Personally, I think that this town is too dark, dirty, and depressing when we can clean this place up and make it brighter. In my personal experience, a little bit of white paint hurts no one.” Bradway then spent the next couple of minutes talking about his offices, paychecks, and other stuff not worth mentioning. “In other news, I intend to increase taxes for this project. Unfortunate, I know. But it also lets me buy more houses! This means more Tech students are allowed to live off campus in [amazing and clean] housing. Please rent an apartment from houghtonforrent.com!” We tried to get in touch with Richard Nixon for an interview; however, he told us to “bug off” and left the scene in a huff.
Bradway also mentioned he is set to abolish future elections for new mayors. Until that passes, we have cupcakes available at the County Clerk’s office. You can submit an anonymous complaint here, although I will admit that it leads straight to a shredder. The non-anonymous complaints will be directly sent to Bradway himself, though it is linked to your HoughtonForRent account as well as your Social Security number.
For more inquiries about Bradway becoming the mayor, please reach out to the city of Houghton at cityofhoughton.com or email us at bradwayrules@hotmail.com or Venmo $99 to @bradwayrules.
