Disclaimer: This article is a part of The Lewd, an annual satirical project put together by The Lode staff, typically published around finals week. The article is purely for comedic purposes, and the opinions presented in these articles do not reflect The Lode’s values.
In a breaking story recently uncovered by hardworking Lewd reporters, Provost Andrew Storer was discovered to have been dead for at least a month. His carcass was puppeted around campus by a troupe of underpaid business students, according to anonymous sources within the Provost’s office. It is unclear whether or not anybody in Administration has ever seen Weekend at Bernie’s, or if this is just another side effect of the recent gas leak on campus.
Since Storer’s untimely demise, his deceased body has been passed off as a living human at a number of events, including Spring Fling and the execution of the Michigan Tech Minotaur. He was puppeted in the same manner as a ventriloquist’s dummy and voiced by award-winning actor Chris Pratt.
According to a leaked autopsy report, Storer passed away earlier in the semester after consuming Wadsworth Hall chicken. “The rumors surrounding Tech’s provost and our food are completely unfounded,” said a representative for Shartwells, the contractor that provides nutritionally complete slop for MTU’s dining halls. “Our Grade-Z poultry products are perfectly safe for human consumption. Do not; I repeat, do not listen to those statements from the FDA.”
For some reason, AAAA Furries at Michigan Tech was contacted for comment instead of any relevant organization, so there are no further quotes available for this article. The Miserable Tech Lewd apologizes for the grievous error.
Michigan Tech administrators have repeatedly denied the allegations of Storer’s demise, but The Lewd knows the REAL truth about the sinister goings-on of our fair university. For more information on this topic, please check under the Layout Editor’s desk in the Miserable Tech Lewd office.
