Disclaimer: This article is a part of The Lewd, an annual satirical project put together by The Lode staff, typically published around finals week. The article is purely for comedic purposes, and the opinions presented in these articles do not reflect The Lode’s values.
This week, the MTU “Board” of Trustees met for their first meeting of the decade. They ratified several “important” decisions.
The first matter of business was raising tuition by 21% to pay off their 6,383,652 $3 Klarna loans. This is in response to last year’s failure of adding a Minotaur to the MUB labyrinth. The Minotaur was purchased “live” from hottopic.com for $300,400,500. Unfortunately for the Minotaur, it starved and died due to the fact that students could not find their way to the section of the MUB where it resided.
Administration is set to tear down East Hall to build another parking lot. This change is in response to students complaints about the lack of parking on-campus and the surplus of housing. When asked about this, East Hall Hall Council President, Hondurous Bartous, remarked “As an empath, I feel a little disappointed in the school for this decision.” He continued, “I am not too concerned though, since the school has plans of building a new dorm hall in 2027 called Eastest Hall on top of the current Lot 10.”
The board was pleased to announce that MTU President Richard Koubek will be officiating the wedding of Blizzard T. Husky and Wildcat Willy this upcoming June. After a lengthy secret romance between the two mascots, the union of these former Heated Rivals has been widely celebrated within the college hockey community.
Husky Eats spoke out about their plan “kill two birds with one stone” by turning the south side of Fisher into a pizza oven. This is to deal with the expected demand that will come from putting eight people to a bed in West McNair.
The board voted unanimously to declare independence of the canal side of the DOW. The secessions came from lingering frustrations from the canal side regarding the campus side’s recent affair.
After a lengthy discussion, the board decided to retain the two majors in Piracy, despite them causing a lengthy war between the College of Computing and Department of Humanities. The conflict has shown no signs of stopping. When asked why he voted to keep the war going, trustee Gruck Chassley responded, “because it would be mad funny lmao xd.”
The Board of Trustees meets every so often within the MUB Bouncy Castle. To view the full meeting minutes, readers may visit bigrat.monster.
