Disclaimer: This article is a part of The Lewd, an annual satirical project put together by The Lode staff, typically published around finals week. The article is purely for comedic purposes, and the opinions presented in these articles do not reflect The Lode’s values.
In a turn of events described as “cataclysmically embarrassing” by the MTU Provost’s office, the College of Computing and College of Sciences and Arts (CSA) simultaneously unveiled their own new majors, each named “Piracy,” on Tuesday, Apr. 14. This sparked mass confusion among the student body; computing students intending to learn how to download Benson Boone’s acclaimed album “American Heart” for free ended up accidentally registering for HU3784 Introduction to Swashbuckling, while humanities-inclined students trying to register for their Basic Plank Walking seminar wound up in CS2502 Avoiding Malware While Illegally Downloading Anime. This has led to an armed conflict between the Humanities and Computer Science departments, who each claim that their respective programs are the one true Piracy major.
“Being a pirate is a proud tradition, and these CS goons are stomping all over it,” said second-year Humanities student Yarr Matey. “That’s why we have declared war on the College of Computing. They must be stopped at all costs. Arrr!”
Thus far, the pirates in the CSA have scored decisive victories over those in the College of Computing, with repeated volleys of heavy cannon fire striking Rekhi and the EERC over the past week. Many CS Piracy students have attempted to retaliate with cyberattacks, only to discover that eighteenth-century pirates do not typically use computers and instead rely on more conventional methods of warfare, such as sword-dueling and stealing all of the oranges on campus to make their enemies contract scurvy.
Mike Rosofteksel, a fourth-year Cybersecurity and Piracy double major, believes he has developed a strategy that could help turn the tide in his college’s favor. “They’ve engaged in biological warfare by giving everyone scurvy, so we’re going to fight fire with fire. I’ve amassed an army of Computer Engineering majors, and their horrendous stench should drive those ridiculous pirate cosplayers back,” said Rosofteksel. After repeatedly passing out by being overpowered by the noxious odor emanating from the EERC elevators, Lewd reporters were able to verify his claims as factual.
In response to the chaos, the Provost’s office attempted to remove the newly added majors, only to receive strong backlash from students who were looking forward to watching movies for free and painting their own Jolly Rogers. The university is currently pursuing alternative measures to end the conflict. For more information on the new Piracy major, please visit the College of Computing website; for more information on the new Piracy major, please visit the poop deck.
