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Lewd special satirical article: Professor at local school unmasked as former cabbage assault culprit on FBI Most Wanted List

Disclaimer: This article is a part of The Lewd, a biannual satirical project put together by The Lode staff, typically published the week before finals. Opinions presented in these articles do not reflect The Lode values.

In a shocking turn of events, students at Michigan Tech have been left baffled after discovering that their beloved teacher, M., has a past shrouded in controversy. The story came to light when an anonymous tipster revealed that M, whose real name is reportedly I.P. Dailey, is allegedly a fugitive wanted by the FBI for a series of bizarre crimes including assault of a cabbage, aggravated cow tipping, and stealing candy from a baby.

According to sources close to the investigation, M’s alleged criminal activities date back several years, painting a picture of a man leading a double life. The unsuspecting students and faculty were stunned to learn that the mild-mannered educator they had come to know and respect may have a dark past.

The allegations against M. stem from his purported involvement in a series of outlandish crimes, including the assault of a defenseless cabbage. Details surrounding the incident remain murky, but eyewitness accounts suggest that M. may have wielded a particularly sharp-edged wit in the commission of the crime.

Furthermore, M. stands accused of aggravated cow tipping, a crime that has baffled law enforcement officials for years. Reports indicate that M. may have been part of a clandestine group of individuals who took pleasure in tipping over unsuspecting bovines under the cover of darkness. 

Perhaps most disturbingly, M. is alleged to have stooped to new lows by stealing candy from a baby. The brazen act of theft, perpetrated against the most innocent and defenseless members of society, has sent shockwaves throughout the community.

Authorities are urging anyone with information regarding Ms whereabouts to come forward. At the center of it all stands a man whose true identity remains as elusive as ever. Parents and students alike are struggling to come to terms with the shocking truth about their once-respected teacher, whose true identity may be stranger than fiction.

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