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Lewd special satirical article: Michigan Tech’s commuter and metered parking lots to disappear by 2026

Disclaimer: This article is a part of The Lewd, a biannual satirical project put together by The Lode staff, typically published the week before finals. Opinions presented in these articles do not reflect The Lode values.

In a bold move that has stirred controversy among the Michigan Tech community, the administration has announced a radical plan to eliminate all commuter and metered parking lots on campus by the year 2026. In an exclusive interview with the “Dean of Parking,” John Parksalot, the rationale behind this drastic measure was revealed.

According to Parksalot, the decision to eliminate on-campus parking lots is driven by the university’s strategic plan to prioritize student housing development. “With our new initiative to construct state-of-the-art dormitories, we must make sacrifices,” Parksalot explained, gesturing towards architectural blueprints gathering dust on his desk. “Unfortunately, this means bidding farewell to our beloved parking lots.”

When pressed about the logistical challenges and inconvenience this plan may pose to commuters, Parksalot maintained an air of optimism. “Rest assured, we have a comprehensive solution in place,” he assured, adjusting his glasses with a confident grin. “We’ll be constructing brand new parking lots a mere two miles away from campus, conveniently located up the hill about a mile past the graveyard. This may sound like an inconvenient walk, but worry not, shuttle services will be provided every three to five hours by a fleet of golf carts driven by the local seniors. Honestly, this is killing two birds with one stone, while saving the university money. When the elderly get bored, they sometimes streak across campus, and they also don’t need to be paid.”

As the dust settles and the echoes of protests fade into the distance, one thing becomes increasingly apparent: Michigan Tech University is forging ahead towards a future where parking close to your classes will become a distant memory. “Change is never without its challenges,” Parksalot stated, “but it’s essential for progress.”

Stay tuned for further updates on this groundbreaking initiative as MTU boldly navigates towards a parking-free future.

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