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Lewd special satirical article: Huskies Ask

Disclaimer: This article is a part of The Lewd, a biannual satirical project put together by The Lode staff, typically published the week before finals. Opinions presented in these articles do not reflect The Lode values.

Huskies Ask is a weekly column where we send questions to different Michigan Tech faculty and staff.
This week, we reached out to Phil! Phil.

(1) Where is your hometown and when did you come to Michigan Tech?

Honestly, I’ve been here so long that I don’t remember where I came from. All I can remember is waking up one day and being a wooden bear in the Student Activity Office. 

(2) What is your favorite thing about Michigan Tech?

My favorite thing is the janitors because they keep me company when students stop walking through the MUB. My second favorite thing is when the lights are on, because when they turn off, I’m afraid a student from NMU will steal me.

(3) What is something you wish students knew about you and your job?

My job is being a wooden bear. I want students to know that I’m here, and I want someone to talk to. I hear all their conversations, I know all the tea, but I have nobody to tell the tea to. (I won’t name names, but a certain staff member of a certain publication recently shit their pants)

(4) What is one thing that you wish you could do?

That’s a hard question. I wish I could do a million things, but I am just a wooden bear. So if I were to narrow those down, I would drink a refreshing Diet Coke (not sponsored).

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