Disclaimer: This article is a part of The Lewd, a biannual satirical project put together by The Lode staff, typically published the week before finals. Opinions presented in these articles do not reflect The Lode values.
Spring has finally arrived on the Tech campus, and with it came a surprising decision by our Board of Trustees. On April 18, 2023, the Board made a VERY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCMENT that detailed the future layout of campus. Specifically, crosswalk bridges across US41, an underground bullet train from campus to popular areas in the Keweenaw, a new floating residence hall in the middle of the Portage, and several 10-story parking garages.
For years, students have wondered what bridges across US41 would look like, and now they get to find out. Construction for the walkable bridges will begin soon on May 1 so that they will be in place for the upcoming fall semester. The underground bullet train will be started soon after, but cannot be started right away due to “structural integrity” or whatever the adults are calling a minor roadblock these days.
After hearing the news about the bullet train, a few students were hesitant about the idea. Graduate student Dick Dover commented “The physical infrastructure of the city will physically not allow an underground bullet train to be constructed. The board is stupid as shit.” Dick Dover has been removed from several other Universities prior to Tech due to controversial statements such as this.
Another project that is bound to start in Winter of 2023 is the floating residence hall on the Portage. Funding this project is none other than Tech graduate of ‘69 Hugh Janus, whom the residence hall will be named after. The Lode was able to talk to the main construction woman in charge of the project, and here is what she had to say: “We realize that to most people, it seems dumb to start construction over water while the water is frozen, but the opposite is actually true. The ice allows us to construct the residence hall on solid ground, and then once the temperatures rise, the residence hall will just fall into the water and float.
Finally, the Board of Trustees plans to start the construction of 4 10-story parking garages right next to each other by the MTU softball fields. A board member who wishes to stay anonymous stated that “Moving the parking off-campus will free up tons of space for new buildings on campus.” Professor Chang told The Lode “I don’t pay 400 dollars a semester to walk down those stupid hills. I drive all the way from Calumet for my 8am classes every day for the past 30 years. Since the Board is so dumb, I’m thinking about chang-ing my career path. This announcement will be the death of this school.” Chang continues to say that he will need to “pick up a job at La Cantina” since he used to be a community college Spanish teacher and needs the money.
Overall, the new campus plan looks promising. Unrelated to this matter, there was a sudden drop in enrollment for the Fall semester. The Board of Trustees is now looking for the answer as to why this drop happened.