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Lewd special satirical article: University to replace dorm carpets to increase student contact with grass

Disclaimer: This article is a part of The Lewd, a biannual satirical project put together by The Lode staff, typically published the week before finals. Opinions presented in these articles do not reflect The Lode values.

After remaining seemingly untouched since construction during the copper boom, plans are in place to renovate the campus dorms, replacing the current carpets with grass. The change comes after complaints from residents regarding housing infrastructure. 

The renovations plans were leaked after a resident assistant all-staff meeting last Tuesday night. An anonymous source stated that Residence Education is enacting the changes to allow students to “touch grass” to improve their mental health and academic performance. The grass is also predicted to muffle the noise of residents blasting “Cbat” at three in the morning, acting as natural soundproofing, and decrease temperatures in the dorms. 

With the addition of the grass, ResEd was forced to finally part with their vacuums and replace them with scissors, which will be available to students at the front desks in the dorms once the installations are complete. 

The news was met with criticism and praise from students, with many stating that the addition would make the dorms even less accessible than they already are, and others asking if they could bring pet goats and cows to help manage grass growth. ResEd countered that they would offer a select number of rooms without grass on the top floor of DHH and would allow the livestock if it was a registered emotional support animal. 

Also leaked were plans to replace all washers and dryers in the dorms with pre-broken models. The proposal is that the replacement models will save students time since they will not have to guess which machines to use. 

While this suggestion was first met with outrage, the discussion has died down as students realized the benefits and time-saving potential. A current seventh-year student pursuing a master’s in baiting commented on the situation, saying, “It really makes sense and will save students entire seconds not having to find a dryer to use.” 

These plans are seemingly the only ones enacted, despite the need for numerous others.

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