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Lewd special satirical article: Ontario To Join Alberta as Newest MTU Campus Location

Disclaimer: This article is a part of The Lewd, a biannual satirical project put together by The Lode staff, typically published the week before finals. Opinions presented in these articles do not reflect The Lode values.


In an announcement to the Board of Trustees, the MTU President laid out the plan for Ontario to become a new educational center for Michigan Tech, much like Alberta is at the moment. It was mentioned that while Michigan Tech is expanding and upgrading its Houghton campus, the President explained that the procurement of Ontario is essential to expanding Michigan Tech’s global presence. 


The Canadian Province of Ontario had been a leading contender for Michigan Tech’s next expansion. Other major contenders included the German State of Baden-Württemberg, the town of Gillette, New Jersey, and the City of Plano, Texas. Containing almost 40% of the Canadian population, the addition of Ontario will bring many new things to the Michigan Tech community. 


A few students were interviewed about their thoughts on the newest announcement regarding the expansion of campus. Third year mechanical engineering student Basil Oregano told The Lewd “I can’t wait for the campus to become so much larger! It’s going to be so much fun.” Another student, a second year chemical engineering major, said “What was the question again?” 


Some faculty gave their thoughts as well. Dean Dean Dean, Dean of Deanology, told The Lewd “I can’t wait for the multitudes of options this brings to students here. This will truly be a new age for Michigan Tech” 


While this is exciting news for students here at Tech, The President has entered negotiations with Ontario Premier Doug Dodge and Canadian Prime Minister Justin Falsedeau. Premier Ford announced to the people of Canada “Look, fellow Canadians, our buddehs over at Michigan Tech, want to take control of our land. We welcome our friends, guy.”


The Lewd will be reporting on this as the story develops further, friend. 


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