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Lewd special satirical article: Strange happenings in Walker explained

Disclaimer: This article is a part of The Lewd, a biannual satirical project put together by The Lode staff, typically published the week before finals. Opinions presented in these articles do not reflect The Lode values.

Reports of strange noises coming from the Walker Arts and Humanities Center resulted in a recent paranormal investigation into the space. The majority of the complaints stemmed from within McArdle theater, which is where the investigators began. Within the first five minutes of attempting to communicate with anyone who presided in the space, they made contact with a 19 year old male ghost who passed away in 1972.

“After coping with my untimely death, I was grateful to be haunting the sports center and to be surrounded by basketball for eternity. It was my favorite sport when I was alive,” said Chad Princeton, Walker’s resident ghost. The building now known as Walker was formerly known as the Michigan Tech sports center from 1949 through 1980, when the Student Development Complex was completed. “After all the athletes left, I was sad, but the quiet was nice.”

Chad went on to explain that ever since the construction started on the building, he has not known a moment of peace. “The theater kids descended on the place after construction was finally complete, and they will not stop singing,” Chad stated. “I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I spend most of my time either in McArdle Theater mourning the loss of my beautiful wood gym, or down in the basement pool trying to escape the performers.”

If anyone has any knowledge in regards to moving a ghost to another location, or helping someone to pass along into the afterlife, please contact 906-123-4567. Chad would really appreciate any help to be free of the theater kids and able to find peace again.

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