Student Newspaper at Michigan Tech University since 1921

Published Weekly on Tuesdays Office Located in Walker 105

Lewd special satirical article: Dean’s beauty secrets, exposed!

Daytime Routine


  1. Wash face with Tears of Dean’s Enemies. 
  2. Moisturize with anti-aging serum, because deans don’t age.
  3. Apply foundation. Maybe it’s Maybelline. Maybe it’s a secret formula developed in the basement of ChemSci.
  4. Apply concealer. Lots may be needed, as The Dean has lots of secrets. e.g. What is hidden in the Walker Pool?
  5. Time for setting! Apply powder. No, not that powder. Stop watching so much Euphoria.
  6. Contour, contour, contour. No one’s nose is quite as snatched as The Dean’s.
  7. Blush, like you just saw Mrs. The Dean.
  8. Optional: Apply eyeshadow. Reserve for a special occasion.
  9. Line those eyes. The Dean only uses Sex Kitten by Tarte. 
  10. Apply mascara. The best deans have long, luxurious lashes.
  11. The Dean’s a busy dean, so you know this shit’s gotta last. Apply enough setting spray to create a cloud over Houghton. We don’t typically see the sun anyways. 


Nighttime Routine 


  1. Wash face with water from the portage. The old copper mining pollutants give skin a youthful glow.
  2. Remove makeup with Wads toilet paper. Use many pieces, as it is the thinnest paper known to humankind.
  3. Moisturize with Essence of Skinwalker™. Obtain from MTU administrator. Many of them are not who they say they are.
  4. Slug, bitch! Apply lots of Vaseline. #HuskiesDoNotAge.
  5. Kiss Mrs. The Dean and Daughter Dean goodnight.
  6. Turn off Instagram. Apply sleep mask. You are now voided to the worl

Leave a Reply