Disclaimer: This article is a part of The Lewd, an annual satirical project put together by The Lode staff, typically published around finals week. The article is purely for comedic purposes, and the opinions presented in these articles do not reflect The Lode’s values.
In a shocking turn of events, former Lode Business Manager Ethan Plummer died by falling off the roof of the M&M this past Thursday, Apr. 16. A Biomedical Engineering PhD student, Plummer, known to most as “Dollar Dollar Bills!” was a prominent figure on campus beloved by at least a few people. This was the first death recorded on Michigan Tech’s campus since notorious town drunk Tim Peters was hanged in 1889.
Born in 2002 to three parents in Balltown, IA, Plummer came to Michigan Tech in 2020 and quickly became regarded as one of the members of the campus community. He was involved in the Pavlis Honors College, The Lode, and The Lewd, and was a founding member of the Society for Catapulting Large Rocks Into the Sun. He is survived by his four parents, his pet frog, and his collection of rusty nails.
In a severe and blatant violation of journalistic ethics, Lewd reporters decided to reach out to their own advisor, Big Bart, for comment, due to the fact that we are very lazy and we don’t actually care. “Who even are you morons?” said Bart. “I advise The Lode, not whatever fraudulent #*!&% of $*!# publication this is. I just talked to Ethan yesterday! He’s fine!” At the time of publication, Bart has filed several restraining orders against The Lewd, and is expected to pursue further litigation on account of the many obscene Polaroids we keep slipping under his door.
Plummer will be missed by all who knew him. For more information, please contact Ethan Plummer at freakywhiteboyfiddlermaster@beatakid.com.
