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Lewd special satirical article: MTU Accused of Constructing New ‘Death Star’ Facility

Disclaimer: This article is a part of The Lewd, a biannual satirical project put together by The Lode staff, typically published the week before finals. Opinions presented in these articles do not reflect The Lode values.

Last week, the student body became aware of the construction of a moon-sized facility in orbit. The perpetrators were unknown until the scouts of the Astronomy Club reported that the entire structure is covered in MTU branding.

The Lode asked the administration what they had to say in response to these allegations. Astoundingly, the office of university Emperor Kobek not only responded to the request but did not deny the allegations. While they did not comment on the facility’s purpose, they did say it is “a state-of-the-art facility, equipped with 200 chem labs, 100 computer labs, and zero rooms or equipment for humanities and arts.” While the base is visibly still under construction, Emperor Kobek confirmed that it is “fully operational.”

Despite the positive spin by the university, student’s opinion on the base is sour. “How the hell are dey pay’n for this thing, eh?” said one disgruntled student. “No wonder dey been over enrolling da freshmen!” said another. It seems the student body’s overall opinion is that this facility’s purpose doesn’t matter if the University needs to overcrowd dorms and raise tuition to pay for it.

A small resistance has started to gain momentum around campus, claiming they have a way to destroy the base before the dorms and tuition become too much to bear. The resistance’s leader REDACTED explained their plan of attack. “Many Yoopers died to get us this information,” they explained. They told us that there is a small, round vent at the end of a frozen cooling trench on the surface of the base. “A small group of broomball players should be able to infiltrate the defenses and send a ball down the shaft to start a chain reaction and destroy the base.”

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