Disclaimer: This article is a part of The Lewd, a biannual satirical project put together by The Lode staff, typically published the week before finals. Opinions presented in these articles do not reflect The Lode values.
This past week, campus has begun to stir as students anticipate the newest menu item at the Cafe– poop. Under new management, the Cafe has seen many recent changes, poop to be the next. Management says that poop will be served as an addition to the dishes currently served, on top and as a side.
Due to the recent “poop deli” trend on social media, Cafe management wanted to implement the idea as soon as possible to stay relevant to students. Due to the menu changes, the restaurant has been seeing less students and aims to increase their sales by incorporating the poop.
A few students voiced their opinions on the matter. “Honestly, I’m going to try it,” says third-year Wayne Kerr, “I’ve stopped going to the Cafe since they changed the cheese curd recipe, and I’m interested to see what they’ll do with the poop.” First year Jenny Tayla had a different opinion, “Poop is gross and I won’t be stepping foot inside of Wads ever again. I bet it’s gonna stink in the basement.”
A question arises, though. Where is the Cafe sourcing their new menu item? The answer is surprising, yet resourceful, you! If you are a resident of Wadsworth, your poop has a chance of being sold at the Cafe. Cafe management commented that none of the poop givers will be compensated, and that all poop will be cleaned before being sold.
The new menu item will be available the second week of spring semester, and will range from $0.50 – $4.00. The lower pricing is based on addition of poop to an existing dish, and the higher pricing is based on a side of poop.