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Lewd special satirical article: Chemical Engineering Students Sue University for Construction Noise

Disclaimer: This article is a part of The Lewd, a biannual satirical project put together by The Lode staff, typically published the week before finals. Opinions presented in these articles do not reflect The Lode values.

Over 90% of the Chemical Engineering and Chemistry related students are projected to fail their classes  this semester due to inability to concentrate with construction noise. The Chemical Student Advisory  Board of Michigan Tech leaked plans to file a lawsuit against the University at the Board of Trustees  meeting being held on Friday, Dec. 16.

The ChemSAB club will represent the Chemical Engineering students in suing the school for $3,779,176.  This is the total cost of tuition for the 437 students enrolled in chemistry related majors for the semester.  The Chemistry students blame the school for their grades and feel that it is unfair to charge tuition for the  semester considering it.  

According to an anonymous source, the Chemical Engineering students assembled undenounced to  faculty to discuss their frustration with the construction of the H-STEM building this semester. After  three and a half hours of debates led by the ChemSAB, the students came to an agreement about the  lawsuit.  

If the ChemSAB is successful in the lawsuit, they plan to evenly disperse the money obtained to all the  affected students. To determine student eligibility, they are requesting all the affected students to fill out a  form and attach a screenshot of their canvas grades as well as proof of enrollment in a chemistry related  major. The president of the club said that “We fully expect fraud applicants in this process and  will have to sift out the non-affected students that apply.”  

A 7th-year Chemical Engineering student said, “Every one of my classes is in the  (Chemical Engineering) building and I can’t focus for shit with all the construction racket … it’s most  definitely the school’s fault that I’m failing out and I’ll personally see to it that they give me my money  back.”  

The University faculty is bewildered with the boldness of the claims. One University faculty that  preferred to go unnamed said, “although the trend in grades is significant, there’s no way the reason for it  is the construction noise … the students need to realize that they still received their education and that the  money they spent pays (the faculties) bills.”  

The lawsuit will be officially announced at the Board of Trustees meeting on next Friday where the club  will take the podium and the Board will have a chance for a rebuttal. The entire process is projected to  draw out until late next year and will end up costing the university even more in legal resources according  to the University legal services.  

The other majors on campus are up in rage too as many believe their campus experience has been  hindered by the construction as well. There will be a protest at the husky statue next Friday to spread the  word of the lawsuit and limit the construction to break periods.  


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