Incriminating revelations: Who is The Dean really?!?!?!

Where. Are. The. Pretzels????


Where. Are. The. Pretzels????

Iamus Bonnie, Scooper

So everyone knows that everyone likes The Dean. Cool. But here, I plan to share some of the more salacious stories about The Dean that are totally super true and real.

The Dean has been said to, on multiple occasions, outright steal perfectly good pretzels and other small foodstuffs from USG members during weekly meetings. Others say he has been spotted fully dismantling vending machines in pursuit of the snacks within. Reports say he has a penchant for pretzels, which could explain the distinct shortage of the salty snack throughout campus.

According to sources close to the story, The Dean has spent his first school year on campus diligently shifting the location of the Husky statue west from its original location, so as to bring it ever so closer to his office. In the early hours of the morning, he simply slides the statue a few centimeters further. Some say he feeds upon the power of the statue to maximize the vast amounts of Instagram photos he likes on any given day.

On a more destructive note, the recent presence of warm, packable snow has been a boon to The Dean’s reckless and downright dangerous snowball compulsion. The Dean has been found to engage in episodes of catastrophically devastating snow throwing as “the pesky, air-stealing underclassman” mope to class. According to sources in the Dean’s office, there is perhaps nothing The Dean loves more than absolutely smoking kids in the face with tightly-packed snowballs on a cool morning. The practice is thought to be in the name of “exercise,” but the psychological damage to students is beginning to mount.