Lewd special satirical article: Dean’s extravagant hobbies revealed!

#holdmybeer, 6th-year underwater basket weaving major

Our Dean of Students does plenty on campus; he shows enjoyment in several events from Winter Carnival to Spring Fling. From his Instagram, one could infer he enjoys making memes, mingling with students, hanging out with Blizzard, and general “dean” things. But The Dean’s personal hobbies haven’t been truly detailed…until now. 

One of The Dean’s notable hobbies is fishing with unusual techniques. Last week, he was spotted along the shores of Portage Lake early in the morning, catching sturgeon and pike with his bare hands and eating them in one gulp. He admits he enjoys seafood and finds this the most satisfying way to eat sturgeon. It’s also been observed that The Dean uses similar techniques for capturing snacks when at banquets.

He has also been reported to enjoy excessive time in the snow, beyond what a normal Husky can endure. One student who witnessed The Dean out in the snow stated, “He stays out there for hours, building igloos and making snow angels. If that doesn’t make him a cool dude, I don’t know what does!” Obviously, his crafting skills aren’t just limited to snow sculptures. 

In an exclusive interview, The Dean discussed his side project handmaking novelty straws and dog t-shirts with recent hashtags from his Instagram. “Students and community members will love these,” he reported excitedly. “Now, everyone can have #nointimateencounters on their loop-de-loop straws!” He didn’t set a hard date for when these will be released, but he promised the products will be shown to his fan club members first.

Whether he’s on campus working or in the Keweenaw playing, The Dean surely knows how to stay busy! However, he’s thoughtful enough to include other Huskies on his many adventures, as shown on his “lit” Instagram page.