At 4:20 pm yesterday afternoon Public Safety received a call from Lossann Foun who reported that a missing person had been spotted just outside the front entrance to Wadsworth Hall. “When I initially got the call I was absolutely bewildered!” exclaimed Hans Cuff, the officer who received the call, “I mean we hadn’t had leads on this case for weeks, and then all of a sudden, it’s like BAM! There he is!” The missing person was described to be “paler than an albino polar bear” and had facial hair tangled in a way that was “straight out of Season 3 of Duck Dynasty.” According to witness reports, the student appeared “more confused than your typical Northern Student” and gave off an aroma that “made a McNair boy’s bathroom smell like a fresh can of Febreeze.”
When Public Safety arrived on the scene, they confirmed the student was in fact Herm Issac-Thomas, a second-year student that had been reported missing since August 28th. While the investigation is still ongoing, it is believed that Herm I.T. had not left his room in Wadsworth Hall until just moments before he was discovered. When detectives entered the room they found over 300 empty Cup O’ Noodles (shrimp flavored), 80 two-Liter bottles of Mt. Dew Baja Blast, one boxer brief (slightly used), three socks (definitely used), a PC laptop, and a spotless state-of-the-art Secretlab Titan Evo 2022 Black™ gaming chair.
“I’m impressed that Herm was able to pull it off.” Detective Khan Fusion reported in his investigative findings “I’ve seen cases of students spending two or three months in the room, but four is almost a new record. That’s the longest since Ben Dereawhile lasted from Spring of ‘77 to the Fall of ‘79.” After being reprimanded by Public Safety and clearing up the situation, Herm didn’t take much more time until he scampered back into the confines of Wadsworth Hall, but the officers on site were able to get one key piece of information from him. “When we asked him why he left. We really weren’t expecting an answer.” Khan Fusion exclaimed, “but we got something! Someone had recently told him that the sky had turned purple back in October and it was time that he had a look for himself!”
Author’s Notes: Public Safety is still currently on the lookout for one additional missing persons. Anyone who knows the whereabouts of a certain well-known and well-overpaid administrator encouraged to come forward with any information they have.
The Lewd is a biannual satirical project put together by The Lode staff, typically published the week before finals. It’s meant to help editors, writers, and photographers have fun and relieve stress. Opinions presented in these articles do not reflect The Lode values.
