Highly anticipated aliens finally visited: Gone again after one Wads dinner

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Squeegee

Definitely an actual alien about to eat at Wads.

Just Christina, Lazy Slacker

As our culture melds ever faster into the galactic soup singularity, some of our most recent visitors found themselves out of sorts when they sat down for a diplomatic meal. Fearing interplanetary conflict, officials immediately capitulated when our alien allies demanded access to Earth-grown food. Initially confused as a warlike demand for tribute, many were pleased to find that the aliens just wanted to try a bunch of stuff.

The interaction began simply enough in the Wadsworth dining hall; food was served, seats taken, pleasantries exchanged. After a few bites, however, the sentiment was clear. It was, in fact, the first time the concept of pure repugnance was ever communicated between the two species. It was shortly following the start of the meal that the entire posse swiftly fled.

The highly capable aliens of our universe are well known for their low standards in eating habits. I mean, no species of picky eaters ever did that well for themselves, did they? No, these mean mugs eat actual gruel on a regular basis. They are winners. Not to be shaken by some off-color meat or dubious milk. Apparently, this meal was not merely off-putting.

Suffice it to say, it was a Tuesday evening late into March, and the food was not at its highest quality, but I repeat myself.

While some offer this unfortunate timing as explanation for the lack of quality, many can’t explain why the event seems to have expelled the creatures from every corner of the earth. And, man, they sure left in a hurry. No 30-minute conversation on the way out the door. Nothing.

Researchers have been working closely with Tech dining officials to isolate the precise mechanism which so effectively repelled the aliens.

For months, the spectre of cryptids (and other related half-fantasies) had bore down upon the surface-dwelling class as nothing short of the ultimate threat. Now, however, global hope abounds. Not to mention, business is downright booming out the back of Wadsworth as world governments seek to similarly eradicate their borders of cryptids with a new light of (repulsive) faith: Wads dining hall food.

 

 

 

The Lewd is a biannual satirical project put together by The Lode staff, typically published the week before finals. It’s meant to help editors, writers, and photographers have fun and relieve stress. Opinions presented in these articles do not reflect The Lode values.