Apple’s latest release


Ranit Karmakar

Stick one of the new AirTags on your baby and let it loose!

Melissa Carone, Drunkard Conspiracy Theorist

Yesterday, Apple announced the release of their new iPhone, as well as their new product, AirTags. 

This iPhone has been marketed as “the iPhone for everyone,” and let me tell you, they weren’t kidding. I think we can all agree on the one thing the iPhone has been missing all these years: the color purple. That’s right, the new iPhone comes in a beautiful shade of deep, shimmering purple, and honestly? It fills the void in my soul. Plus, this phone makes outdated, expensive cell service plans a thing of the past! Easily connect to the 5G from your vaccine with the new iPhone 12. 

With the use of their new flagship app, Check Their Vax, you’ll be able to tell who around you is vaccinated by measuring the 5G radiation emitted from the area of their shot. All for the low, low monthly price of $69.69. 

Still unsure? Check out these customer testimonials. 

“The new iPhone saved my marriage!” A. Frazier, 16, Michigan

“Pretty purple phone make me happy.” Random Business Major, 21, MTU

However, cool as the new phone may be, the AirTags are, in my opinion, the real exciting product in this release. AirTags allow you to use the “Find My” function Apple users have come to love for things like your keys, wallet, and children. Just stick an AirTag on any of these items and never worry about losing it again!