Disclaimer: This article is a part of The Lewd, an annual satirical project put together by The Lode staff, typically published around finals week. The article is purely for comedic purposes, and the opinions presented in these articles do not reflect The Lode’s values.
Breaking news! The critically acclaimed reality survival television show Naked and Afraid is coming to MTU. They will be filming the next season in a combination of the Forestry fall camp in Alberta and the Tech Trails. This national popularity for MTU comes from the recent success of filming Hidden Figures 2 in the EERC.
Some of the activities they plan to do during filming is starting a fire, creating a camp, stealing bricks from the walls of Dillman, fishing, geocaching, finding the wild frat boys, and finally discovering the infamous and rare MTU female students.
Public safety has put out a special notice for male MTU students to stay away from the area, as it may be too shocking to see a naked woman’s body. Paramedics will also be on scene for any heart attacks caused by this.
In fact, the Humanities department worries that the large jump in the ratio of men to women population in their area will disrupt societal standards of the Keweenaw. Environmentalists also share this fear as just from setting up for the naked and afraid season, they have noticed weird abnormalities in the trees. Even the ground feels charged with feminine tensions.
“The knowledge alone that more women have come to Tech has me shaking in my boots,” said first-year Computer Science major Michael Masculinity. “I’m crying, screaming, and throwing up. I don’t know what to do with myself. What if I see one of them? How do I talk to women? My mom never taught me about this.” Mr. Masculinity has reportedly taken to hiding in his Wadsworth Hall dorm room 24/7 to avoid the super scary women.
Filming is not expected to disrupt university operations, although the Forestry Department Mega-Polycule has voiced concerns regarding potential disruptions to their “romantic energy.”
