Disclaimer: This article is a part of The Lewd, a biannual satirical project put together by The Lode staff, typically published the week before finals. The article is purely for comedic purposes, and the opinions presented in these articles do not reflect The Lode’s values.
On Tuesday, April 8, 2025, Timothy Jones, a freshman civil engineering student, accidentally discovered a secret network of tunnels under campus. Jones explains, “I was sitting on a couch on the third floor of the library when I dropped my pencil. As I bent over to pick it up, I noticed there was an opening under the couch. I moved the couch and fell down a chute into this deep maze of tunnels; I don’t remember anything after that.”
What Jones had discovered was one of the many entrances to a secret underground tunnel network that professors use to get around campus. The tunnels range from Hubbell Hall (former School of Mines) to Walker.
Former president of the Michigan School of Mines, Marshman E. Wadsworth, oversaw the transition to our present-day campus. During construction, Wadsworth got greedy and decided to mine under the new buildings; they discovered a special mineral that, with the quick work of graduate students, allowed them to grow genetically engineered professors. These tunnels became the first in the network, and the new professors happily worked for free. Their obedience quickly built a tough engineering school.
They realized with this new technology that they wouldn’t have to pay real professors. One drawback to these professors is that they didn’t do well in the cold, so they repurposed the mines as an underground tunnel system to get between buildings.
Lately, students have become suspicious. Second-year computer science student Paul Davidson says, “It was a complete blizzard outside and my professor walked in sweating while wearing a t-shirt – and no shoes!” Grad student May Parker said, “I said goodbye to my professor in Walker and then sprinted to my next class in Fisher; to my surprise when I got there, he was setting up for a guest lecture.”
If you notice any suspicious activity among your professors or find an entrance, email molemen@mtu.edu.
