Disclaimer: This article is a part of The Lewd, a biannual satirical project put together by The Lode staff, typically published the week before finals. The article is purely for comedic purposes, and the opinions presented in these articles do not reflect The Lode’s values.
On April 11, 2025, the Civil, Environmental, and Geospatial Department at Michigan Technological University unintentionally achieved one of the next wonders of the world: they accidentally drained the entire Portage Canal.
The mishap, which began as a “routine hydraulic modeling experiment” for a senior capstone project, escalated quickly as the canal drained over the night before anyone could do anything about it. Though initially met with horror by boat owners, ducks, and shippers, the drainage has opened unexpected opportunities, most notably for Mont Ripley, MTU’s own ski hill, which now sits adjacent to what officials are calling “The Grand Canyon of the Keweenaw.”
“We’ve never had this much room for expansion,” said an elated Ripley spokesperson, while standing on what used to be the Portage. “We’re planning to add 45 new double black diamond runs, 16 terrain parks, a megapipe, and a chairlift that goes straight to the Cafe.” It is expected that skiers would have to dodge all the discarded car batteries that have accumulated over the years on the Portage floor.
The downsides of the sudden drainage are numerous. Sailboats are now permanently beached, with some resting on their sides like sad, nautical turtles. The Lift Bridge is now purposeless, and a reminder of what once was. Aquatic life has been relocated—mostly unwillingly—to the middle of Lake Superior. K-Day 2025 has been rebranded “Clay-Day,” and will involve mud volleyball, dirt kayaking, and “Where is my water?” scavenger hunts.
