Disclaimer: This article is a part of The Lewd, a biannual satirical project put together by The Lode staff, typically published the week before finals. The article is purely for comedic purposes, and the opinions presented in these articles do not reflect The Lode’s values.
Adjusting to sending your child off to MTU is a stressful period that takes a while to get used to. Parents, especially moms, don’t worry – your entire guide full of tips and tricks is here to help.
Is your child having trouble making friends? Join ALL of the Michigan Tech parent groups! In the groups, you can post a biography on your child, including their dorm and room number, allergies, length of showers, and how frequently they wet the bed. Expect a quick response, as there’s a low supply and high demand for students.
Think you packed your kid with enough winter clothes? Think again. Triple whatever you packed, and send it through the only carrier service available to MTU: pigeons. A recent study on campus showed that students wear, on average, 25 lbs of clothes in the winter months from Sep. to Aug. “I keep a handle of Russian vodka in my Himalayan suit to warm me up while walking to class,” said super senior Vinny Bark. It’s safe to say that MTU is no place for shorts and Birkenstocks.
Do you need someone to give out medication? Every student in the dorm has an RA, and they run a pharmacy in their room! Politely introduce yourself during move-in weekend and drop off all medication with a schedule. They will happily dish it out at any time of the day.
Do you miss them? Well, they probably miss you more! Feel free to visit every single weekend for the entire semester. Computer Science senior Joel Lol said, “I love when my parents visit every weekend. I never think about all the crazy shenanigans my friends are getting into while watching reruns of Wheel of Fortune at the Super 8 on a Saturday night.” Just remember, visiting every weekend only means 5 days apart!
