Disclaimer: This article is a part of The Lewd, a biannual satirical project put together by The Lode staff, typically published the week before finals. The article is purely for comedic purposes, and the opinions presented in these articles do not reflect The Lode’s values.
The MTU Pep Band has a storied history of terrorizing the campus in the name of school spirit for over 50 years, but a recent anthropological discovery may explain why.
“They hid it for years,” explained a jazz club student, who wished to remain anonymous. “I was just returning for some sheet music that fell out of my folder and the auditorium door was cracked. I couldn’t believe what I saw.” The horror which awaited him was MTU’s own Pep Band knelt in worship of an 11ft tall monolith identical to those prophesied in Arthur Clarke’s 2001: A Space Odyssey – brought to the screen by the Stanley Kubrick film of the same name.
Doug Clay, professor of anthropology at MTU, weighs in about the recent discovery. “We all knew about the Monolith, it was discovered years ago in the Walker pool by the English department. Tech used to be renowned for its language arts, you know…” Clay’s face stiffened. “We never got to fully study its effects. And before long, the Monolith was stolen away; we could never publicize that. I guess now it all makes sense.”
The rediscovery of the Monolith opens exciting opportunities for a case study here at MTU. “The effects are clear,” remarks Emma Path, a graduate student in MTU’s Psychology and Human Factors department. “If you’ve seen a performance, you understand how intimidating their tribe has become. The hooting and hollering, banging of drums, the disregard for societal norms.” Delving through data, Path continues, “It certainly wasn’t always this way. We all know the band as they are now: 116 decibels of pep. But look, prior to the Monolith’s discovery, our models showed as little as 50 decibels of pep, maybe less. The change is profound.”
For now, the Monolith remains in the possession of the Pep Band. “I’m not going in there,” said Clay. “The response from Public Safety has been roughly the same.” It appears only time will reveal the true extent of the Monolith’s effects. When asked for comment, a representative from the MTU Pep Band was utterly unintelligible.
