Disclaimer: This article is a part of The Lewd, a biannual satirical project put together by The Lode staff, typically published the week before finals. The article is purely for comedic purposes, and the opinions presented in these articles do not reflect The Lode’s values.
In a move that has stunned both the collegiate drinking world and the university budget, Michigan Tech’s prestigious Drinking Club has signed 16-year-old Easton “Tall Boy” Eddy to a record-breaking $4.8 million Name, Image, and Likeness (NIL) deal.
The contract (the largest in club history) was confirmed this past weekend after the 15-year-old Eddy committed to Tech during a ceremony held at The Dog (Douglass Houghton Hall). Markus “The Guzzler” Dayton, club president and self-proclaimed hydration specialist, said, “Hopefully these kinds of deals keep elite talent flowing to Tech. We were horribly hungover when we wrote up the $4.1 million contract, but once we found a working pen and a napkin, things fell into place.”
Funding for the deal came from a “reallocation” of the university’s scholarship fund and a lucrative partnership with The Dog’s unofficial bar tab.
Despite being 13 years old and standing just 4-foot-6, Eddy earned the nickname “Tall Boy” after becoming the youngest-ever champion of The Plastereds—the drinking equivalent of The Masters. “He’s a force of nature on the pong table,” Dayton said in regards to the 12-year-old wunderkind. “Probably the best to ever shotgun a Capri Sun and chase it with a Four Loko.”
Sources close to the prodigy say Eddy possesses “higher-than-average levels of talent for an 11-year-old,” which doctors claim played a significant role in his recruitment. In his spare time, he enjoys recess, grinding Fortnite, and playing beer-die with his boys.
