Disclaimer: This article is a part of The Lewd, a biannual satirical project put together by The Lode staff, typically published the week before finals. Opinions presented in these articles do not reflect The Lode values.
Just this past week, Michigan Tech students received the worst news imaginable– beer got more expensive. Keweenaw Brewing Company (KBC), generally known for their generous pours and cheap pints, finally fell to inflation. The normally priced $3.75-pint skyrocketed in value to a whopping $30 dollars!
“This ain’t good!” says Mike Rotch, third-year chemical engineer, quite agitated and clearly suffering from severe withdrawal. “I don’t know how I’m going to make it! It’s only been two days, I can’t remember shit, I learned everything while wasted, I have seven finals next week and I can either pay rent or drink!” The situation is getting dire all across campus, even professors are taking note. A professor in the mechanical engineering department comments, “Yeah, my students are looking way more miserable than usual, and they’ve all been showing up to class. It’s like we’re in the Twilight Zone. This late in the semester I’m lucky to get five to ten out of my two hundred students, and now every single one attended.”
In addition to the general panic and abnormal student behavior, the increase in beer price has made the previously purchased “KBC Chips” highly coveted currency. Students are doing anything to get their hands on Chips. While some take to the streets of Houghton to either beg or dig through gutters in hopes of finding some, others are taking a more drastic approach. A small gang of chemical and mechanical engineering students has gotten their hands on what they are referring to as “The golden goose.” After an undercover operation performed by one of the Lode’s brave freshman journalists, it was determined that this “golden goose” was in fact the schematics to the priceless KBC Chip. Further investigation found that this gang of engineers is looking to mass produce counterfeit Chips in the near future.
