Disclaimer: This article is a part of The Lewd, a biannual satirical project put together by The Lode staff, typically published the week before finals. Opinions presented in these articles do not reflect The Lode values.
Poor exam performance, bad food; may be caused by access gamma levels
A group of health physicists discovered an average background radiation level of 43mSv/hr in a recent gamma survey of campus. Experts say that this is a significant dose rate and should cause concern, and may be the cause of declining grades and other bad occurrences.
Jonathan Berkey, a health physicist from Reynold Solutions, a firm specializing in the radiological surveying of potentially contaminated sites, paid a visit to Michigan Tech to assess the background radiation levels on campus on Monday, Dec. 5. This was due to concerns raised by the mining history of the location.
A survey of the average gamma radiation levels was conducted by Berkey’s team, which soon discovered levels as high as 43mSv/hr around Tech. For context, a normal background level is considered to be around 0.10uSv/hr. University administration has received the information about this situation, and intends to take action toward remediation.
In an interview with an official, who prefers their name be withheld, the individual stated “It’s a real shame that radiation is so high around this site, because this means that there will have to be a partial evacuation of the premises. We don’t want students to develop conditions from the radiation.”
The Board of Trustees met the following day, Dec. 6 to assess what damage has been caused by the leak and how to diminish the effects of the radiation. According to staff members from different departments of the university, the leak may be to blame for the poor performance on a number of exams held in the recent several years. They commented that this could be due to the gamma rays inhibiting cognitive functions in students, as confirmed by a clinical study. Another, possibly controversial outcome, is that the radiation may be the cause of the quality, or lack thereof, of the food in the Wadsworth Hall cafeteria. In fact, this is where the highest dose rate was measured.
As this sequence of events unfolds at time of publishing, students are concerned about their wellbeing with the harmful effects of the leak being uncovered. The Board of Trustees will convene again on Friday, Dec. 9 to finalize plans on the remediation of campus, so it can be radiation free at long last.
