Dear Girlboss,
I am concerned that a member of my student organization is not human. She has many strange behaviors. First of all, I always find her hiding food in weird places. I’ve never seen her actually eat food before. She also consumes an excessive amount of water, and keeps the empty bottles as if it is some sort of earthly souvenir. Beyond this, she also likes to steal things. She will often take my pens and look at them with a strange sense of wonder, as if she has never seen one before.
At a party one night, when the rest of us were consuming adult beverages, this person decided to drink vegetable oil. Yes, you heard that right. She filled a shot glass with corn oil and downed it faster than I’ve ever seen a person drink. It was almost as if her extraterrestrial form could not quite survive on Earth without an exorbitant amount of unsaturated fats.
She also doesn’t speak that much. When she does, however, it’s often difficult to decipher. Her words do not quite match those of any language I’ve heard before. At times, we’ve found her sitting at her desk, mumbling phrases that could only be demonic in origin. Sometimes, she’ll go hours without speaking, only to lurch out of her seat to exclaim something without any context.
While she is mostly passive in nature, at times, she can become violent. I think this happens when she has not gotten her daily allotment of oil. When entering her fits of rage, she will find the nearest piece of fruit and immediately hurl it at her source of anger. Something that makes her especially angry is when you talk about her. You cannot say her name, which is why I haven’t done so in this article. You can’t refer to her by name — you can only refer to her as a force.
If you happen to get locked in her gaze, beware. It’s a look both terrifying and mystical in origin. It feels as if she is plotting your death. She’s not always scary, however. She sleeps a lot, and often in the most inopportune places. For example, we once found her unconscious in a recycling bin.
I’ve been able to push this out of my mind for a long time, but I’m afraid I can no longer endure the psychological torture. She makes me question my own sanity. If I don’t get some answers now, I’m afraid she will drive me to an irrational state.
She must be a cryptid — that is the only logical explanation. I hope the photo I attached helps; it’s pretty blurry, but she ends up blurry in every photo I take. Dear girlboss, what do I do?
Sincerely yours,
A very, very, very, very concerned RSO member
Hello concerned reader,
Your experience indicates that she might be some sort of lLizard cryptid. She might even be some sort of cat cryptid. Is she hairless? I’ve heard of a hairless cat that needs to be oiled everyday. This sounds very similar to your situation. Additionally, she hides things in weird places. This is typical cat behavior, is it not? Cats can also find enjoyment in many things, such as empty water bottles, plastic food wrapping, and other garbage. Speaking of garbage, she could also be some sort of garbage or trash cryptid. If this is the case, run far away. I am not one to advocate for human supremacy (cryptids are our friends) but trash cryptids are very, very dangerous. Stay safe, reader.
Sincerely,
Girlboss
The Lewd is a biannual satirical project put together by The Lode staff, typically published the week before finals. It’s meant to help editors, writers, and photographers have fun and relieve stress. Opinions presented in these articles do not reflect The Lode values.
