This article appeared three years ago in The Lewd. It was written by our pass girlboss leader, Maddie. We miss u.
Emotional Support Tapeworms are making a much needed comeback in the world. Instead of going through the hassle and everyday struggle of having an emotional support dog, countless Americans are switching over to an Emotional Support Tapeworm. No more cleaning up dog poop, buying heavy bags of dog food, or fighting with your dog to get him to put on the tiny vest – a Tapeworm doesn’t need any of that!
Since they live inside you, there is no mess to clean up and you don’t have to worry about feeding them. Just make sure to eat plenty of salty foods for you new best friend.
There are a plethora of positive reasons why one should invest in a Emotional Support Tapeworm. First, they will literally always be with you! From the time you wake to the time you fall asleep, they will be there crawling around in your intestines just enjoying your presence. Also, they will grant you the ability to cancel any event you don’t want to go to! Emotional Support Tapeworms can’t help causing you nausea, diarrhea, weight loss, dizziness and abdominal pain, but you can certainly use that to your advantage. Don’t want to attend you sisters baby shower? Just tell her you have severe diarrhea from your Emotional Support Tapeworm!
Many uneducated people just don’t know the great, amazing things Emotional Support Tapeworms are capable of. They have stomachs on the outside of their bodies, how cool is that? They also have suction cups and grappling hooks on their heads so they can latch onto you organs for life.
I know what everyone is thinking, what if my Emotional Support Tapeworm grows too big for my intestines? Well, sadly, there comes a time in everyone’s lives to let go of loved ones. However, a Tapeworms body is 90% reproductive organs, which means they will probably lay their eggs inside you at some point. So there’s no need to fret, because even if your Tapeworm grows too big and has to be removed, their eggs will live on inside you and sprout new baby Tapeworms.
Say goodbye to the past, and hello to the new and improved Emotional Support Tapeworms. They have literally been around before dinosaurs, so they must be doing something right.
The Lewd is a biannual satirical project put together by The Lode staff, typically published the week before finals. It’s meant to help editors, writers, and photographers have fun and relieve stress. Opinions presented in these articles do not reflect The Lode values.
