Police report

The+new+Meth+Lab+in+Fisher+Hall.+We+love+hardworking+Huskiez%21+

Batman

The new Meth Lab in Fisher Hall. We love hardworking Huskiez!

my daddy said it was ok, resident snitch

Photo by 5FTFLAME

 

 

 

Dean arrested on snack theft charges 

MTU’s Dean was arrested last Thursday on charges of theft in regards to snacks stolen at a recent Undergraduate Student Government (USG) meeting. Among the stolen items were candy, chocolate, and pretzels. Charges are likely to be dropped, and the dean was released on account of being a Really Nice Dude™. 

 

Meth Lab found in Fisher

Methamphetamines were recently found on MTU’s campus in Fisher Hall in what was formerly known as the Math Lab. Four crazy-smart chemistry students took over the room and changed the sign out front to indicate their new business. While the actions are technically illegal, Michigan Tech has turned a blind eye on account of the pure #tenacity displayed by these students. The College of Business praised the students for their entrepreneurship. The students are currently accepting applications for more Meth Lab coaches. 

 

Administrator wanted for fraud

A well-known and well-overpaid Michigan Tech administrator is currently wanted for questioning in a series of financial crimes on campus. The high-ranked administrator, who will not be named for privacy reasons, recently received a reasonable pay cut so that the university could reroute funding to its dying journalism minor. This individual then attempted to sell the MEEM on Craigslist, to make up for his pay cut. When police raided his office, he ran away, ripping off his suit to reveal that he had actually been a skinwalker this entire time. He scaled the MEEM, jumped into the Portage, and was last seen scrambling up Quincy Hill. 

 

Police respond to pro-drunk driving rally

Michigan Tech Police responded to a protest this weekend on campus. Students organized against drunk driving rules and regulations implemented by the Michigan government. Students argued that anyone should have the right to drive as intoxicated as they want to, because that is their right by the Constitution to do so. “No laws should infringe on my freedoms, especially if it means protecting other people,” said one student who was wearing a “pro-life” t-shirt. 

 

Kraken attack on Lift Bridge

Emergency services responded to an incident on the Portage Lake Lift Bridge on Tuesday. Witnesses reported seeing a large, scaled tentacle reach out of the Portage and clasp onto the bridge, where it grabbed onto several construction vehicles that were performing maintenance on the bridge. After police questioning, the kraken admitted it had been angered by the ongoing bridge construction and wanted to retaliate. Charges are not likely to be filed, as no one was hurt, and no one can blame the kraken for being pissed off about the construction.

 

 

 

 

 

The Lewd is a biannual satirical project put together by The Lode staff, typically published the week before finals. It’s meant to help editors, writers, and photographers have fun and relieve stress. Opinions presented in these articles do not reflect The Lode values.