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Lewd special satirical article: How to socialize post-COVID

Disclaimer: This article is a part of The Lewd, a biannual satirical project put together by The Lode staff, typically published the week before finals. Opinions presented in these articles do not reflect The Lode values.

The threat of COVID-19 has driven many people to isolate themselves from their friends and family as not to get or spread the virus. Many have not seen friends and family for months, or have not had real-life communication with others. This has led many people to feel rusty in their social skills. People are feeling more socially awkward and more socially anxious than they did post COVID. As more and more people begin to get vaccinated, people are realizing how out of practice they are. What can they do to return to how they were before? Or better yet, become a socialization God?

Upon seeing this new market, Google is set to release “Google Ear”. Much like Google Glass, it is supposed to fit right into your day. It is simply an earpiece that helps you make connections and communicate with others. It works by detecting patterns of you and those around you, including speech and voice patterns. Additionally, it keeps track of all the people you encounter, noting all the important dates and topics they talk about such as birthdays and significant others. Once it knows enough, it will send you reminders, give you feedback, give you pointers, and even brief you before or while you talk to someone. Sam, who was a tester before Google went public with this device, explained to me how it helped her post-COVID.

“After COVID, I kept using text speech when talking to people IRL— oops, sorry still breaking the habit — and I felt like I couldn’t follow and keep track of those physically around me. I would also get really anxious because I felt like I would mess up every conversation. Oh my gosh, don’t even get me started on how awkward I was. This is why I feel so thankful for Google Ear. Before every conversation, it would give me tips and reminders. I told it I was anxious, and it would try to calm me down as well. What is even better is that the more I wore it, the more accurate and helpful it became. I can’t even imagine living without my Google Glass now.”

Despite the potential benefits, some people are worried about Google turning humans into Cyborgs. Others are concerned about wearing an earpiece for too long of a time, as well as the effect that a supplemental social device will have on long-term socializations. When I brought these concerns up to Sam, she claimed that the Google Ear is not detrimental to her. She is learning more about others, herself, and communication than she did before.

Pre-order your Google Ear now by following this link.

The Lewd is a biannual satirical project put together by The Lode staff, typically published the week before finals. It’s meant to help editors, writers, and photographers have fun and relieve stress. Articles found in the Lewd do not reflect reality.

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