Two major events occurred on Mars this week. First, the helicopter Ingenuity flew for 90 seconds as it was piloted from back on Earth. The other milestone was the landing of Michigan Technological University’s “Zeus” capsule. Led by Professor Anthony Hurd and a small group of students, Michigan Tech’s colony has beat both NASA and SpaceX to colonizing Mars. The project, known amongst the team as “The New World,” has been in progress since early February 2020, when Hurd first expressed his disgust with the campus’s climate.
“Straight, white men are oppressed here,” Hurd exclaimed in a board meeting. “I, as a white male, have been systematically discriminated against for 40 years! I never saw any discrimination against women and people of color at this school.” He then went on a small tirade about affirmative action before proposing his project, declaring “This brave group of students and I are going to create a colony, where we don’t have to face this discrimination!”
Rapper Tom MacDonald was the only celebrity who approved the project publicly and donated $100,000. He fully supports Professor Hurd’s mission statement, commenting on his own issues with “discrimination”. “I’m glad someone else thinks like me! Black power says we’re the problem. Girl power says we’re the issue. Gay rights think we’re trying to stop ‘em.” Hurd offered him a spot as a crew member, but Tom turned down the offer.
Another celebrity was very quick to jump abroad and join the crew. Tucker Carlson threw $150,000 to sponsor the project. He told media sources, “White men are called racists, bigots, and horrible people! Fortunately, these brave guys are creating a new world, and I want to jump aboard!” Tucker was quick to jump into the Zeus capsule and claim the farthest floating cot.
The project was designed to create a homogenous society of equality, so that “contemporary issues won’t affect scientific progress.” Members were carefully selected that fitted Hurd’s requirements; these included men of the rough, Caucasian descent who supposedly have “stronger” genes than any other humans.
Before the launch occurred, a female reporter from CNN visited the launch site to learn more about the project. When she asked a student about the project’s details, he told her, “You wouldn’t understand it; this project is too complex for women to understand.” He then picked up a nearby Raspberry Pi and burned himself soldering a motor to the board.
Other students either ignored the reporter, or they silently hissed at her to go away. She resorted to reading the materials submitted to Michigan Tech. The plans include the “Zeus” capsule that contains 15 people, placed atop a rocket. The launch took place on Halloween of last year, with the crew drinking pumpkin beer before taking off.
The group radioed back to Earth today at 12:05, reportedly landing the crew module on the surface. They’ve carried on board enough supplies to last for two days, with additional gardening supplies for a couple years’ worth of vegetables.
A copy of The Martian was reportedly brought aboard for scientific reference, as well as a PlayStation 4 when the crew members are done with their hard day’s work. Episodes of “The Rush Limbaugh Show” and “The Tucker Carlson Show” were also brought aboard for entertainment, along with books such as Robinson Crusoe, Ender’s Game and Lolita.
If successful, the colony will show that space is habitable for humans. SpaceX plans to follow up with a rocket of their own should “The New World” survive Mars.
The Lewd is a biannual satirical project put together by The Lode staff, typically published the week before finals. It’s meant to help editors, writers, and photographers have fun and relieve stress. Articles found in the Lewd do not reflect reality.
