Disclaimer: This article is a part of The Lewd, a biannual satirical project put together by The Lode staff, typically published the week before finals. Opinions presented in these articles do not reflect The Lode values.
Yesterday morning, a group of MTU professors discovered what they believe to be Atlantis. Despite what one may think, they weren’t doing any research. In fact, this group of four professors bears no relation to each other within the university and research completely different topics. They only know each other out of a mutual passion that they all share: deep diving in the freezing waters of Lake Superior.
In a group interview after the fact, the English professor, Dominic, recounts what was going on, “I was waiting while Scott and Martha dove, in the dark on the cold boat, with Steven. They were getting close to time and I was becoming worried. However, as if the sun predicted it with its golden rays peeking above the horizon, they suddenly popped out of the water and began spewing nonsense. At first, I thought they were playing a joke on us. Atlantis is supposed to be near the Mediterranean Sea. Eventually, I let Martha, a fellow humanities professor, show me the abandoned ruins. I couldn’t believe my eyes, I almost had a decompression problem with my excitement, despite our expensive and up-to-date equipment.”
While they were all so excited, Steven felt left out. Everybody but him had dived to see it. He managed to convince everybody to let him dive before they reported this discovery. By the time he popped back up, it was getting near dinner time. He was hungry and skeptical that what they found was Atlantis. Granted, none of them really knows much about Atlantis, especially a computer science professor.
“It looked like any other ancient civilization under the sea. How do we know it was Atlantis? Atlantis is probably gone anyway, or it didn’t exist.” Steven argued.
Despite Steven’s skepticism, the other members of the group stand their ground in this discovery.
After Steven’s dive, they immediately went to a park ranger to report their findings. However, according to the group, the park ranger was super excited. After getting a look at their photos, they dismissed their belief of it being Atlantis due to the lack of “sexy mermaids with big titties”. The alleged park ranger refused to comment on this.
The professors are currently looking for a scholar to verify their findings. Meanwhile, divers of the area are setting up dives in order to get a look at the undocumented ruins. The professors warn divers not to go looking unless they are experts and have a lot of experience diving in the freezing depths of the largest Great Lake.
The Lewd is a biannual satirical project put together by The Lode staff, typically published the week before finals. It’s meant to help editors, writers, and photographers have fun and relieve stress. Articles found in the Lewd do not reflect reality.
