Disclaimer: This article is a part of The Lewd, a biannual satirical project put together by The Lode staff, typically published the week before finals. Opinions presented in these articles do not reflect The Lode values.
Following the act of one Poor Lode Writer who has shut themselves into a lockable closet for the last 3 weeks, their fruits of their labor are beginning to make Waves. One incongruence they spotted in our newest president, deeply concerning in its implications, surrounds the issue of pilates. (is “pilates” a proper noun? Who knows! Not even Yeezy!).
In President Yeezy’s (P-Yeezy) song titled “The New Workout Plan” from 2004, he explicitly states that “you gotta do pilates,” a widely-accepted, shrewd piece of advice. However, just 14 short years after the fact, Yeezy has Bad News. On “Violent Crimes” he clearly urges us, begging us desperately to save ourselves from the vanity that shall surely damn us to hell, “don’t do pilates.”
One question Mr. President: Which is it? Should I spend Every Hour, instead of using the time to Follow God, doing pilates? Or should I be Stronger and more Hands On with my life, resisting the The Glory and Flashing Lights of the pilates scene?
The exercise style, best known for its ilk in embiggening butts all over the world, comes under fire following the Electoral College’s decision to subversively elect P-Yeezy. After first recognizing the state of complete senility and self-serving incompetence with which their first two candidates presented, we can rest easy in the knowledge that it’s us Who Survive In America.
While this was the first time in history such an underdog candidate had ever awaken to such a Good Morning, it could be as much as 30 Hours before we hear P-Yeezy comment on the action.
In any other world, this inane pilates story stops here. But, no, not this time. Kanye simply won’t have it. Yeezus Christ has said to the world Hold My Liquor, up and banning the beloved exercise. That’s right, pilates are categorically blasphemous for us mere heathens. Butts have simply grown too large these days, so, accordingly, our God Is putting the kibosh on that shit.
Those who fail to recognize the godliness and the soleness of our democratically elected leader will surely spill their Blood On The Leaves, for, as any leader understands, it is blood alone that moves the wheels of history.
Me, I know I Love Kanye.
The Lewd is a biannual satirical project put together by The Lode staff, typically published the week before finals. It’s meant to help editors, writers, and photographers have fun and relieve stress. Opinions presented in these articles do not reflect The Lode values.
