Disclaimer: This article is a part of The Lewd, a biannual satirical project put together by The Lode staff, typically published the week before finals. The article is purely for comedic purposes, and the opinions presented in these articles do not reflect The Lode’s values.
In an effort to address the growing parking shortage on Michigan Tech’s campus, the university has revealed an ambitious new plan for the Fall of 2025: adding student parking on the surface of the Portage Canal Ice.
“We’ve had to get creative,” said Chuck “Parking Guru” Shnozelniff, the head of Michigan Tech’s Parking Services. “Currently, it’s a bigger waste of space than my ex-wife,” as he took a sip from his mug labeled “Definitely just coffee.”
He stated that the new proposal features the addition of 500 temporary parking spots once “the ice is as strong as my will to live,” according to Shnozelniff. “Parking pass prices for the ice lot will be determined by the student’s GPA multiplied by 100.” This incentive aims to provide students with lower GPAs easier access to campus, reducing excuses.
Students who are unauthorized to use the lot will face immediate consequences. “We’ve phased out towing altogether,” said Shnozelniff. “Admin said it’s cheaper to cut a hole around the car and let it sink.”
Students share mixed opinions of the impending changes, “Honestly, it’s still more convenient than parking in Lot 24 and hiking through three time zones,” said graduating senior Tad Bramble. “The canal is frozen. My GPA is frozen. My credit card is frozen. My hope is frozen, at least it’s consistent,” said Hawk Twoah, self-proclaimed CEO of Jim’s Foodmart. One student described it as “Russian Roulette,” questioning the integrity of the ice during the warmer months.
Michigan Tech plans to leave sunken cars as a habitat for fish and marine life. “Killing two birds with one stone,” says Marine Biologist Kayleigh Bongwater. “There’s nothing wrong with that.” The University will be accepting reservations for next fall beginning in August. Students are encouraged to consider using lighter-weight cars to mitigate the amount of loss.
