Disclaimer: This article is a part of The Lewd, a biannual satirical project put together by The Lode staff, typically published the week before finals. The article is purely for comedic purposes, and the opinions presented in these articles do not reflect The Lode’s values.
When Michigan Tech earned its prestigious R1 research classification last month, administrators called it “a proud milestone,” “a new era for innovation,” and “a ranking you can’t complain about on RateMyProfessors.”
But students say the new status has come with some noticeable changes.
“I came here thinking it was an engineering school,” said junior civil engineering student Lolly Pop. “But over time, the professors got so focused on research, they left the teaching to grad students who speak so fast, I thought I understood something — but it turns out I was just nodding in fear.”
Pop isn’t alone. Across departments, students have reported that actual instruction has been replaced by “guest lectures” and “vague gestures toward Canvas.”
“I asked my professor for clarification and he sent me a link to his published paper and said ‘figure it out,’” said sophomore mechanical engineering major Avon Munks, “It was behind a paywall.”
Students also report that when professors do show up, they open PowerPoint files they’ve never seen before — often auto-generated by AI. One class observed a slide with the phrase “Insert Equation Here” on three separate bullet points. No one corrected it.
In place of traditional teaching, many classes have shifted to “peer-led knowledge exchange sessions,” also known as “group projects.” Several sections of Thermodynamics are now rumored to be entirely self-taught. One group met for two hours and collectively decided heat doesn’t exist.
Some classes have openly embraced ChatGPT. One syllabus lists it as “co-instructor, office hours: whenever.”
Despite the confusion, the university insists the shift is part of the plan.
“We’re preparing students for the real world,” said Hans Duo, computing professor and adviser for multiple research projects. “And in the real world, your boss doesn’t explain things. They forward you an illegible PDF and wish you luck.”
When asked whether the quality of education might be slipping, Duo responded, “We prefer to think of it as rising beyond comprehension.”
Meanwhile, students have adapted in unholy ways. One student taught themselves C++ using Duolingo. Another runs a black-market Quizlet ring called “Canvas? I Hardly Know Her.”
Last Thursday, a group of seniors held a candlelight vigil for the concept of “going over the homework in class.” They called it Office Hour Remembrance Day.
