Disclaimer: This article is a part of The Lewd, a biannual satirical project put together by The Lode staff, typically published the week before finals. The article is purely for comedic purposes, and the opinions presented in these articles do not reflect The Lode’s values.
The Memorial Union Building (MUB) has set breakfast prices depending on Bitcoin value, which does not surprise anyone and benefits even fewer. The announcement was made early Monday with a hastily scrawled banner placed on the waffle machine: “New active pricing model! Breakfast has been updated to reflect the current state of cryptocurrency. #StayHungry.”
Within hours, students noticed food prices bouncing more than their grades after midterms. At 8:07 a.m., a waffle meal rang up at $3.25. By 8:08, the screen refreshed and it was $12.87. “I was just about to swipe my card,” said one bleary-eyed student. “But by the time the cashier hit ‘total,’ it felt like I was bidding on an NFT waffle.”
Bryce Coinwellington, who introduced himself as the MUB’s “Director of Decentralized Dining,” defended the decision. “We’re not just feeding students,” Coinwellington said. “We’re educating them mostly about inflation, market instability, and regret.” As prices for campus favorites like pancakes and milkshakes continue to fluctuate wildly, students are seeking refuge in more stable markets. Domino’s, with their $7.99 carryout special for a medium pizza and two sides, has experienced an increase in traffic.
“The cheese curds used to be my favorite,” remarked a computer science student who asked to be incognito for fear of being doxxed by the Wads Discord. “Now they’re $7.99 for six sad little bites. For that price, I could get a full Jimmy John’s meal and emotional stability.” Junior economics student Diana Jones (no relation to blockchain) put it bluntly: “I never thought I’d consider Domino’s a haven, but at least there I don’t have to calculate gas fees to buy french fries.”
The MUB has also converted its broken panini press into a crypto-mining rig. “It doesn’t make food anymore, but it does make noise,” Coinwellington confirmed. “We’re using it to mine Dogecoin now. That’s lunch if it hits a cent.” To reward loyal patrons, Dining Services introduced a “Proof of Snack” program where every purchase earns students points toward an NFT of a breakfast burrito. “We don’t do punch cards anymore,” Coinwellington said. “Paper is so centralized.”
Meanwhile, a tweet from Elon Musk reading “MUB Egg and Cheese Breakfast Sandwich = mid” caused the price of a scrambled eggs sandwich to plummet below $10, triggering fears of a campus-wide brunch crash. At press time, toast surged to $5.75 after a rumor spread that it was gluten-free. It was not. Until markets stabilize, many students say they’ll keep seeking value wherever they occur. And for now, that value happens to come with garlic dipping sauce and a side of cheesy bread.
