Disclaimer: This article is a part of The Lewd, a biannual satirical project put together by The Lode staff, typically published the week before finals. Opinions presented in these articles do not reflect The Lode values.
Well behind schedule and significantly over budget, the new Michigan Tech dormitory project is going as smoothly as expected. Currently a massive eye sore, the dorms remain quite the work in progress but will be completed eventually. According to project manager Sunk Caust it’s all about “trusting the process,” and the result will “certainly place the dorms among some of the best here at Michigan Tech.”
The imaginatively named East Hall, which is directly downhill from the appropriately named West McNair, plans to take some of the most undesirable features from all three dorms and combine them. Caust boasted that East Hall aims to replicate West McNair’s handicapped accessibility features. This includes taking precautions such as ensuring that the building is absent of any elevators and validating that the only exits are within the center of the building structure so that in the case of an evacuation, the process can be “as stressful and dangerous as possible.”
Additionally, Caust plans to import rats from the DHH basement to give East Hall a familiar feel. “They have an excess supply over there, so it only makes sense that we take a couple and move them over here.” Finally, East Hall plans to revive some of the most popular cuisine items from Wadsworth Hall in their new eating space. This includes the inspirational Gyro Bar and the delightful 3 p.m. Weekend Breakfast Burrito Bar. Caust emphasized that “we want students to prioritize fitness and we’re sure our menu will do just that.”
Besides incorporating features from other resident halls, East Hall will also have new features. For instance, students will now have the opportunity to leave the building via ziplines located at the North and South exits on every floor, starting from the fourth floor and above. Additionally, East Hall is taking an environmentally friendly approach to residence living. To mitigate water usage, there will be no hot water in the dorms which Caust doesn’t think will be too much of a problem because “there’s only one shower per floor and it’s not like Michigan Tech students want to shower anyways.” Unfortunately, East Hall is only available to students outside Ohio because “nobody likes Ohio.” Any questions can be directed to Dee Flection or emailed to reportasjunk@mtu.edu.
Disclaimer: The actual dorm plan can be viewed at East Hall | Residence Education and Housing Services | Michigan Tech (mtu.edu). It contains many features that contradict what was reported in this article.
