It’s the evening of Feb. 5 and the Patriots have just won the Super Bowl. Crucial to their incredible comeback is now-four-time Super Bowl MVP quarterback Tom Brady. Brady comes back to the locker room after a chaotic post-game celebration to find that his jersey is gone.
A search is conducted, but it’s nowhere to be found, and so it is reported as stolen. TMZ obtained and then published the police report, which can be accessed at https://goo.gl/VJkE4d. The police report is notable because it values the jersey at 500,000 dollars. That’s half a million dollars for a t-shirt.
That also makes the theft a first-degree felony, which could carry a penalty ranging from a 10,000 dollar fine to life in prison. That means for our unfortunate thief, returning the jersey is no simple task. The Lode staff brainstormed some ideas to help:
- Write your name on a different Tom Brady jersey and then sneak it into his house. Wear the real one at a party with him, and when he calls you on it, go find your jersey in his closet and explain that the whole thing must have been a humorous misunderstanding.
- Fully commit. Undergo extensive plastic surgery and spend your recovery period intensely studying Tom Brady’s life and mannerisms. In six months, come out and claim to be the real Tom Brady, and to prove it you have the jersey he supposedly “lost.”
- Sell it on E-bay for the cash. That should go well.
- Carry this secret to your grave. But seriously, get buried with it. It’s common knowledge that Osiris is a huge Brady fan, and setting that on the scales opposite your heart might just let you into the afterlife despite your crimes.
- Get across the border, and quick before Trump builds his wall. Sell the jersey to a sketchy drug lord, probably the only one with the cash to buy it off you. Buy a secluded island in the Caribbean to live out your days in paranoia.
- Honestly, just cut your losses and burn it. Best of luck!
