Disclaimer: This article is a part of The Lewd, a biannual satirical project put together by The Lode staff, typically published the week before finals. Opinions presented in these articles do not reflect The Lode values.
Last year around this time, the world heard about a novel virus. Scientists named it SARS-CoV2, general people called it Coronavirus and in Gen Z lingo; the Rona. After originating from Wuhan, China, it spread across the globe rapidly. In March WHO announced it as a pandemic. The world around us changed. Now for everything we Zoom. If you sneeze in public, no one says ‘bless you’ anymore. They give you an angry look and then jump 16 feet away from you. How you wear a mask is also about fashion now. How far below the nostrils you can wear the mask shows how confident you are.
It might sound like I am telling you about the problems you already know, or. Y you fell for a clickbait and now I am just wasting your time. Fear not. Corona cure has actually been found. Scientists across the globe worked for months to come up with the cure. Recently we heard some vaccines that worked with 90-95% accuracy, but today I will share with you a cure that is 100% accurate. It is not a vaccine, not a medicine, it is just a song.
I know, you might be wondering if this is bullshit. If listening to a song could cure a pandemic, why has no one found it yet. Because it is not A song, it is THE song. And no one thought about the cure before because not a lot of people have heard this song. The song is Facts by our president-elect, Kanye West.
All you need to do is go in a closed room, play Facts in full volume (use speakers for best results), close your eyes and put fingers in one of your ears. This way the song waves will enter your body and won’t be able to leave. It has been observed that the song waves vibrate at an exact 453.29 Hz with a 95.36 dB noise level that targets the coronavirus in our body. In a few minutes, the song waves start vibrating the blood cells in the same frequency. The viruses cannot cope up with it and they start falling apart. Soon they come out as perspiration. So, if you start sweating while listening to the song, do not worry about it. It is just the dead corona cells.
Tests have been performed on three subjects and 200 objects. That includes Kanye himself and his family along with every furniture in his house. So far no one tested positive for corona which is a clear sign of 100% effectiveness. When asked about his discovery he told us, “I’m just saying how I feel, man”. He further told us, “’Cause I can’t wait much longer, ‘Cause I can’t get much wronger”.
We all heard about music as a therapy before, but no one ever imagined that a song can save humanity from a pandemic. Government is taking measures to set up drive-through music clinics, where one needs to stop for 3 minutes and the song will be played loudly so that all your body can absorb it. Suggestions have also been made to set up Zoom conferences and play the song for better reach. Some audio companies started deconvolving his song to figure out the composition so that they can create their own versions of it. Justin Bieber already mentioned he is working on a remix. We are all happy that we finally found a cure and it is not a vaccine or a liquid chip that the government installs in us.
The Lewd is a biannual satirical project put together by The Lode staff, typically published the week before finals. It’s meant to help editors, writers, and photographers have fun and relieve stress. Opinions presented in these articles do not reflect The Lode values.
