We’re all familiar with the idea of a dream team: if you could build a team using players from whatever time period and team you’d like, what would it look like? Well, with Halloween right around the corner, I thought I’d come up with my nightmare team.
I think zombies would make a pretty decent offensive line. They don’t have the maneuverability or speed to do much of anything else useful, but when it comes to pure strength and staying power I would give it to the corporeal undead ten times out of ten.
On defensive line I don’t think you can beat werewolves, as long as you can direct their mindless fury at the football.
Frankenstein’s monster might be one of the few horror antagonists with the durability and strength to smash through such a defensive line, making him an obvious fullback.
And trailing behind him? Tailback Freddie Krueger of course. What a stiff-arm. You might have some trouble convincing him to wear regulation headgear, but he’d get the job done.
Leatherface from the “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” series might also present trouble with league-approved equipment, but would otherwise make a fantastic linebacker. He’s got the build for it, anyway.
Jason Voorhees doesn’t make much of a passing tight end, but he’d be a heck of a blocker and is at least a step in the right direction in terms of headgear.
For cornerback, a Xenomorph from the “Alien” franchise seems perfect. As hard as you try to get away from it, it’s always right there, and that’s what I’d look for in my man-to-man coverage.
The only one who can beat the alien is the Predator, and that would be my choice as wide receiver. He’s got the hands, he can find the route and plow through anyone that gets in his way.
I really don’t think you can keep up with Predator on man-to-man coverage, which is why you’d need zone coverage from your safeties. No one does zone coverage better than the shark from “Jaws.” You never know when he’s going to come out of nowhere and once he gets his jaws on you, it’s game over.
Finally, we come to the quarterback. I think Dracula is really the only option here. He’s got the brains, speed, but most importantly he has the charisma for it. A quarterback is the leader that brings the team together, and that’s exactly what Dracula would excel at.
