The UnLODEing Zone

A place for the editors to unload

Alright so, I’m about 50 percent sure that I’m cursed. I’ve always been pretty good in the kitchen and even when I was really bad it wasn’t horrible, just not as pleasant as it could be, right? But I woke up like a week ago and I seem to have lost my ability to season food correctly.

I mean, mac and cheese? Too much salt. Veggies? Too much salt AND too much oil! Eggs? Too much salt. I made cookie dough. Guess what? Too. Much. Salt.

My younger sister has always struggled with seasoning and I just couldn’t figure out how someone could struggle that much, you know? You make the thing, you taste the thing, you add seasoning. Bam, good meal. But, apparently, that is NOT how it works. So, basically, I haven’t been able to cook a decent meal in like a week and have limited myself almost entirely to sunbutter and jelly sandwiches and prepared meals like pizza rolls.

Continuing on the list of my culinary disasters, I made chips and cheese today. By all means an easy meal that even a child could do. Nothing went wrong. Except that I sat down to eat, took my first bite and it was straight up soggy. A soggy chip in chips and cheese. Half the chips were stale and soggy and half of them were not. It was like I had put them in the microwave with a little water at the bottom of the dish. Steamed tortilla chips, anyone?

I made an amazing egg sandwich in the middle of my curse, I mean… This thing was delicious. Egg fried in a bell pepper ring, just the right amount of pepper and salt, and generously spread with mayo. I left half of it on the counter for a minute and when I came back it was gone. I’m like “Andrew, did you eat the other half of my sandwich?” He’s like “No?” And my dog—my sweet, handsome pup—is standing there still licking the mayo off his lips. Needless to say, I flipped.

Maybe it’s my taste buds that are off, or maybe I’m sick and my nose is plugged up or something, but things have not been right in food world. This is my punishment for finding McDonald’s a delicious and worthwhile way to spend money on food.

*Note: This story ran March 7