From the time we are old enough to understand language, we are indoctrinated with the idea that a monogamous marriage is the only way to be truly fulfilled. Fatalistic philosophies poke at us from every angle. “There is a lid for every pot,” they tell us. “It is written in the stars.” A love resulting in marriage seems, to many of us, to be an inevitability. It’s just another stage in life.
If marriage were really so easy and natural, our divorce rates would not sit between 40 and 50 percent, as the American Psychological Association claims they do. Of course, there are many reasons for divorce — perhaps there isn’t enough money in the household, or maybe the problem is infidelity. Any number of factors could contribute to an uncoupling. Divorce is a very plausible and reasonable choice for many unhappy couples; however, in some cases, the root of their unhappiness stems from unrealistic expectations about what love (and marriage) entails.
As unromantic as this may sound, there are no soulmates. There is no single lid that will fit the pot. We are not manufactured goods with matching parts. We are unique, we are grotesque and we are damaged. The pots are irregular and the lids are bent. None of them fit quite right. No matter how long we scour the Earth for “the one,” we will not find that individual, but we will find lids that work to varying degrees.
That acknowledgment makes marriage all the more beautiful. Our spouses are not our destinies. We consciously choose our spouses from a large pool of possibilities. We choose them despite their insecurities, shortcomings and personal failures. Soon thereafter, we resent them for not being perfect, unblemished lids, and these contradictory behaviors are the seed of divorce.
To be happy in our marriages, we must abandon romantic ideals of perfection and everlasting passion. What we often call love is actually just infatuation. The tingly feeling of being desired by people who are themselves desirable wears off fairly quickly, and, once it does, we are forced to confront important questions about our partners. Is this someone I can tolerate for the rest of my life? Do we share the same moral values? Can I be myself in the presence of this person?
“Being in love” is not enough to justify a marriage. In the long-term, what matters most is comfort. In the first few months of a relationship, our behavior is positively modified. Our best traits are amplified as a consequence of our fervor to have “someone new” and we appear to be much better than we really are. This ends. We return to our basal state of mediocrity and selfishness. Our partners do the same. If the “basal state” is unacceptable to either party of the relationship, the marriage is doomed to fail.
Marriage is a commitment to a life that is often disappointing. We become no less human after tying the knot. In my marriage, there is an expectation of disappointment, and that’s what makes us so happy to be married. We are unfazed by the obstacles because we planned for them from the very beginning. Our relationship continues to change each day as we set new goals and discover old wounds. I embrace my crooked lid, and my husband embraces his wobbly pot.
My advice to other college students hoping to get married one day is to stop searching for the ideal lid. Instead, look for a good fit and try it out for a while. If you find yourself unable to reconcile its flaws, find another. Eventually, you will encounter a lid that satisfies you. It will make you happy when you think of it. You will find beauty in its dents and rust. It will not fit perfectly, but it will do the job. That’s a marrying lid.
