Disclaimer: This article is a part of The Lewd, a biannual satirical project put together by The Lode staff, typically published the week before finals. The article is purely for comedic purposes, and the opinions presented in these articles do not reflect The Lode’s values.
In a move that has the entire senior class cheering and the Houghton police mildly concerned, Jim’s Foodmart has officially installed the UP’s first ever Senior Barrel Refill Station, located conveniently next to the huge snowbank that is still managing to stay frozen, so students can chill their drinks while they wait.
The station, which features a hose, a questionable tap handle, and a laminated waiver form taped to the storefront, is designed to accommodate all Michigan Tech seniors who bought a keg from Jim’s.
“Look, if they are going to carry around a 30-pound empty barrel anyway, we figured we may as well fill it up for a profit,” said Jim’s employee Bob Jones, who was actively filling up a keg with straight liquor.
Seniors can choose from several refill options, including any mix of KBC beers, any original light beer topped off with Fireball, or their original concoction. Any accommodations can be made for special requests.
Students are thrilled with this invention. “I used to have to refill my barrel in a bathtub using a funnel and carbonator,” said mechanic engineer Freddy Fahnaf, holding a handle of Fireball. “Now I just roll into Jim’s with the empty barrel and all my problems are solved.”
Not everyone is happy though- local squirrels and birds, frequently found licking spilled unknown liquids off barrels left outside of campus buildings, have reportedly become more aggressive. One squirrel destroyed everything inside a new H-STEM lab, and some even say they might have been the cause of the garbage truck fire.
Jim’s has hinted at future expansions, including a “barrel wash station” so students can hide the fact that it’s the keg’s eighth refill.
At press time, a group of seniors was seen building a pyramid of filled barrels on College Ave. yelling, “Jim’s! Jim’s! Jim’s!”
