Why are you crying?
Squigglebert Johnson, Computer Science, 1st year, Rough and Ready, CA. “I haven’t been allowed to shower for thirteen weeks. I’ve tried. Every time I get within 50 feet of my dorm shower, a gang of unwashed upperclassmen dressed in anime hoodies and sweatpants tackle me and drag me into this crawl space under Rekhi Hall and leave me there for hours. I’m covered in bruises and I smell horrible.”
M. P. P. Mann, Biology, 4th year, Chicken, AK. “Blizzard T. Husky killed my father. I saw him at the funeral, at the catering table drinking a glass of wine with my mother. When I tried to scream, his head swiveled 180 degrees and he stared directly at me. I see that stare in my nightmares now. I know he’s after me.”
Norman Normalson, Civil Engineering, 3rd year, Normal, IL. “Oh you know, studying for exams is rough. I’m kind of going through it right now. But with a positive attitude I can get through anything! I’m also under federal investigation for committing unspeakable crimes against humanity, so that’s pretty stressful too.”
Jeorg Jambalaya “Jonesy” Joshington, Applied Geophysics, 3rd year, Intercourse, PA. “At Thanksgiving dinner, I was forced to sit next to my horrid Aunt Jildred, rather than my Uncle Jrian as I requested in my periodical faxes to my father. In addition, if you would believe it, the roast pheasant was ruined and we were forced to eat turkey like those unscrupulous commoners.”
Unknown Student Accidentally Buried Under A Snowbank In Lot 21, Physics, 2nd year, Truth or Consequences, NM. “It’s cold. So very cold. Please help me. I’ve been trapped for three days. Everything is so cold.”
