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Lewd special satirical article: Campus Introductions, Throwback Edition

In honor of the school’s 140th anniversary, Michigan Tech is reintroducing some majors from its inaugural year. These majors will provide a look back into what the past was like, as well as creating more job opportunities for when a solar flare finally kills the current worldwide communications network.

  • Strikebreaking
    • This Major focuses on human resources and the direct influence of external parties on worker struggles. Alumni of this program, which was canceled in 1892 after the Homestead Strike, applauded its blunt approach to confrontation and said many classes included field trips to historic sites in the Upper Peninsula where the professors would speak on why the workers deserved even less rights. One standout class in this major is “Door-barring”, which teaches how to make doors that only open inward, although that class is held in Calumet.
  • Copper Mining
    • This one-of-a-kind program allows students to work during class in the Quincy Mine. Due to relaxed labor laws (thanks to Strikebreaking grads), this program allows minors to work up to 120 hours a week in the mines. As anyone that has played Minecraft, they know that the children “yearn for the mines”.

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