In collaboration with The Bull
Agate Street, the infamous Houghton hill that has traumatized students for decades, is officially coming down. The city council has approved plans to level the street and replace it with a sprawling dorm complex dubbed “Flat Future Housing.” The project, expected to cost $12 million, promises sleek modern amenities such as communal study spaces, rooftop gardens, and absolutely no parking spaces. “Why park when you can embrace Houghton’s walkable charm?” said project manager Marcus Gravel. “Or better yet, get a sled dog.”
The decision has sparked outrage among students, who mourn the loss of Agate’s legendary sledding culture. “This is a hate crime against fun,” said senior Caleb Garrison, who once clocked 25 mph sledding down Agate on a cafeteria tray. “Agate was the hill that built character. Now it’s just going to be a flat patch of sadness.” Even more frustrating for students is the dorm’s lack of parking, which the MTU administration has stated is “the future in green energy.” Students are instead expected to purchase a mushing team, break out the snowshoes, or simply just fly.
Not everyone is taking it lying down (non-sektual). A group of engineering students has proposed a bold countermeasure: reintroducing artificial hills to the new dorm area. “We’re calling it Agate 2.0,” said team leader and self-proclaimed slope enthusiast Dave Jenkins. “We’ll build ski jumps between the buildings. It’s what the people want.” Meanwhile, university officials have doubled down on their no-parking stance, suggesting that students “lean into the Houghton experience” by hauling furniture up neighboring hills in subzero temperatures. Whether the new dorms will deliver on their promise of modern comfort or become a flat monument to student frustration remains to be seen.
