In collaboration with The Bull
In a series of dubious picks for cabinet and other various departments, President Donald Trump has tapped Michigan Tech’s The Daily Bull to head the Department of State. “Diplomacy isn’t about being politically correct or polite. It’s about making deals, saying what everyone’s thinking, and sometimes throwing in an elaborate metaphor,” Trump explained at a press conference, surrounded by bewildered staffers. “The Bull gets it. Their political addresses will be the best, absolutely the best. Better than Lincoln. The best in the nation, and trust me, I know the best of the best.” Insiders suspect Trump may have stumbled upon The Daily Bull during a late-night Twitter search for “bestest writers ever,” but this remains unconfirmed.
On campus, reactions ranged from confusion to cautious optimism. Journalism professor Linda Onions—seen clutching back issues featuring gems like “Houghton: The Florida of the UP”—expressed measured concern. “This is a big moment for satire but also an existential crisis. I mean, are we officially in a Black Mirror episode?” Meanwhile, the Bull’s editorial staff has already embraced their new role with characteristic flair. “We’re swapping traditional diplomacy for GIF diplomacy,” declared the enigmatic Bull Himself. “World leaders better brush up on their meme game because we’re bringing the heat.”
The Bull has already made waves internationally. Their first act? Redesigning the United Nations flag to feature a rabid Husky wielding a chainsaw. They’ve also proposed hosting all future peace talks at The Ambassador in Houghton, complete with karaoke nights to “loosen up foreign dignitaries.” Critics worry this approach might alienate allies, but the Bull’s editors remain confident. “If we can negotiate midterms and Winter Carnival at the same time, we can handle Putin,” said one staff member.
The Daily Bull continues to make waves with their plans, solidifying the Keweenaw Peninsula as a central point of security and diplomacy. In Project Bully Bully Four, The Bull states that it aims to Make The Keweenaw Great Again and reinstate protective measures against less-than-friendly adversaries. The Bull has already requested teams of engineers to convert the DHH elevator back into a sniper tower. They have also asked for H-STEM to be fitted with a self-destruct button, and plans have been filed to convert that one self-driving car outside of the EERC into a tank. Only time will tell if this decision was sound or if the nation will get The Horns.
